My hands are shaky. Tremors. Side effect of Prozac. I’ve been on Prozac for 9 years now. It doesn’t seem to be helping anymore. I am so tired all the time. My depression is worsening. The desires of my heart seem to have been snuffed out like a tiny flame in the midst of a storm. There is a dim haze through which I tolerate my own existence The most innately beautiful things are at best, mediocre to me anymore. My eyes close at every opportunity and my consciousness desperately clings to the comfort of darkness, limbo, nothingness.. I wish I could stay there permanently.
I would be less drained if I ran marathons. Life is smothering the life out of me; how ironic. My senses are sometimes heightened and even the whistle of the wind irritates me. Headaches, body aches, upset stomach, ringing in my ears, throbbing eyes, a desperate need for silence and darkness. Other times I am numb, staring at nothing in particular, limbs heavy, minimal energy even to expand my lungs. I can tune the world out and listlessly work through the motions on autopilot. Either existence is painful in some manner, exhausting, endless, worrisome, and wholly pointless. For 27 years I have experienced this gut wrenching curse. Consciousness is like venom that tortures the psyche with slow, deliberate taunting. No matter how many tears get cried in the hopes of cleansing the poison from within, there is always a haunting residue.