E is for empty and P is for prozac…..that which there is not enough of in this world to make my difficult daughter any easier to deal with. I am absolutely exhausted from having to sort through, deal with, analyze, worry about, process, guide, understand, and endure HER emotions. I’m at a breaking point today. I can’t realistically give anything else because I’m on empty. Her miserable, irritable, inconsistent, fluctuating, manic, frustrated, hateful, hurtful, confusing, obnoxious, unmanageable, consuming moods have broken me down completely. It’s getting worse as she gets older. I was much more understanding when she was 4 and 5 years old. Now, at 11, I find myself angry with her almost daily. I’m relieved when she goes to school. I sometimes sigh heavily under my breath as her school bus returns her for the day. I know what my evenings will entail. I have support groups. I have friends with their own children who have special needs. I have a wonderful aunt who is amazing at encouraging and supporting me. I have prayer. I have God. All of that is fantastic and I’m grateful. I’m still on empty, though. I don’t want to look at this little girl sometimes because she says such hateful, hurtful things to me. I want to lash back out at her in return to make her realize what she inflicts on me. It’s not fair but she’s still just a child so I grind my teeth down and silently scream inside. I cry when no one is looking. I sleep in the hopes that maybe I won’t have to wake up next time. I’m trying not to resort to cutting again. I’m about 7 months clean. I don’t know how successful I’ll continue to be about that. There’s only so much breathing and praying I can do.
Imagine an unsharpened pencil. Stand that pencil straight up so that it stands erect. Imagine that you can ever so carefully balance a glass on the end of that pencil. Drip water into that glass, one drop at a time, Sometimes the dripping water is so rapid, it’s a trickle and sometimes the drips are much slower. The dripping water never stops, though. It is always consistent. There is forever an uncertainty of the circumstances changing for the worst. Which drop of water, shift of the wind, or tremor will cause the system to collapse? The physics of the demise can not be calculated. Imagine all the emotions…fear…anxiety…apprehension…contemplation…paranoia…unrest…exhaustion…worry…unanswered questions…isolation…heartache…tears.