Damned

Posted in Uncategorized on October 20, 2014 by mamachanda

My hands are shaky. Tremors. Side effect of Prozac. I’ve been on Prozac for 9 years now.  It doesn’t seem to be helping anymore.  I am so tired all the time.  My depression is worsening.  The desires of my heart seem to have been snuffed out like a tiny flame in the midst of a storm.  There is a dim haze through which I tolerate my own existence  The most innately beautiful things are at best, mediocre to me anymore.  My eyes close at every opportunity and my consciousness desperately clings to the comfort of darkness, limbo, nothingness..  I wish I could stay there permanently.

I would be less drained if I ran marathons. Life is smothering the life out of me; how ironic. My senses are sometimes heightened and even the whistle of the wind irritates me.  Headaches, body aches, upset stomach, ringing in my ears, throbbing eyes, a desperate need for silence and darkness.  Other times I am numb, staring at nothing in particular, limbs heavy, minimal energy even to expand my lungs.  I can tune the world out and listlessly work through the motions on autopilot.  Either existence is painful in some manner, exhausting, endless, worrisome, and wholly pointless.  For 27 years I have experienced this gut wrenching curse.  Consciousness is like venom that tortures the psyche with slow, deliberate taunting.  No matter how many tears get cried in the hopes of cleansing the poison from within, there is always a haunting residue.

Long Time No See My Friends!

Posted in Uncategorized on May 21, 2014 by mamachanda

SO……it’s been quite a long minute, right?  Six months went by so quickly.  We’re headed into summer already.  No complaints here.  I had to drop in and share my fantastic day with all of you.  It was so beautiful. I’m so in tune with nature it’s like I am addicted to being outside every day.  I absolutely love it.  I bought myself a new camera and have been tinkering with it.  I adore landscape photography and I hope to invest in auditing a class one day to learn the technical side of photography; more than just point and click. 

Today was especially warm and I’ve had so much on my mind. I just wanted to sit among the trees and absorb as much of nature as I possibly could.  One of the most frustrating things I experience is when I find a place in nature and people pollute it with noise. I almost left because an obnoxiously loud conversation was trailing from close by, echoing in my ears.  I found a delicate, out of the way place; sacred, among the trees.  The birds were particularly chirpy. The squirrels scampered around digging, finding, foraging.  The wind was gentle.  The sun was playing hide-n-seek with cotton candy clouds.  Plush green grass shimmered, blade by blade as the breeze persuaded.  It’s amazing how trees are content to silently co-exist with you.  Fresh, fragrant blooms perfumed the air.  Rustling branches danced in the tree tops.  Cool blades tickled my toes.  You could taste the vibrant, crisp beauty of it all; freshly mowed grass, pale blue skies, rich reds.  The sun kissed my pale skin and my body drank up the nourishment.  I was still.  I just…was. 

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E is for Empty

Posted in Uncategorized on November 24, 2013 by mamachanda

E is for empty and P is for prozac…..that which there is not enough of in this world to make my difficult daughter any easier to deal with. I am absolutely exhausted from having to sort through, deal with, analyze, worry about, process, guide, understand, and endure HER emotions.  I’m at a breaking point today. I can’t realistically give anything else because I’m on empty. Her miserable, irritable, inconsistent, fluctuating, manic, frustrated, hateful, hurtful, confusing, obnoxious, unmanageable, consuming moods have broken me down completely. It’s getting worse as she gets older. I was much more understanding when she was 4 and 5 years old. Now, at 11, I find myself angry with her almost daily. I’m relieved when she goes to school. I sometimes sigh heavily under my breath as her school bus returns her for the day. I know what my evenings will entail.  I have support groups. I have friends with their own children who have special needs. I have a wonderful aunt who is amazing at encouraging and supporting me. I have prayer. I have God.  All of that is fantastic and I’m grateful. I’m still on empty, though. I don’t want to look at this little girl sometimes because she says such hateful, hurtful things to me. I want to lash back out at her in return to make her realize what she inflicts on me. It’s not fair but she’s still just a child so I grind my teeth down and silently scream inside. I cry when no one is looking. I sleep in the hopes that maybe I won’t have to wake up next time. I’m trying not to resort to cutting again. I’m about 7 months clean. I don’t know how successful I’ll continue to be about that. There’s only so much breathing and praying I can do.

Imagine an unsharpened pencil. Stand that pencil straight up so that it stands erect. Imagine that you can ever so carefully balance a glass on the end of that pencil. Drip water into that glass, one drop at a time, Sometimes the dripping water is so rapid, it’s a trickle and sometimes the drips are much slower. The dripping water never stops, though. It is always consistent. There is forever an uncertainty of the circumstances changing for the worst.  Which drop of water, shift of the wind, or tremor will cause the system to collapse?  The physics of the demise can not be calculated. Imagine all the emotions…fear…anxiety…apprehension…contemplation…paranoia…unrest…exhaustion…worry…unanswered questions…isolation…heartache…tears. 

7.29.13 Sharing My Shine With The World

Posted in Uncategorized on July 30, 2013 by mamachanda

I have realized that writing is more of a chore for me when I am NOT depressed.  Most people I know or have read about that suffer with Bipolar Disorder, prefer their mania.  They say it helps them create.  My most creative times seem to be when I’m imbalanced or VERY depressed.  I learned to embrace the darkest sides of my emotions at a young age. I am drawn to the dark side of life, in general.  I fully understand SADNESS, ANGER, GRIEF, SORROW, ABANDONMENT, DESOLATION, EMPTINESS, DESPERATION, DEATH, UGLINESS, SUICIDAL TENDENCIES, BREAKING POINTS, REJECTION, DISAPPOINTMENT, TEARS, BLOOD, PAIN, SUFFERING, HEARTBREAK, LONELINESS, SILENT SCREAMS, HOPELESSNESS, SHADOWS, FEAR, WORTHLESSNESS, HATE, BITTERNESS AND HELL. 

I know my compassion for darkness is part of my journey.  I can relate to humanity in their most disturbing experiences.  My heart can truly feel their urgency.  My spirit can genuinely comfort and love others.  I am yin and yang, in essence.  I strive for positive but my footprints have been carved through the stones of negativity.  The fires of iniquity and nothingness have created a priceless diamond in the rough. I WILL share my shine with the world.

7.28.2013

Posted in Uncategorized on July 30, 2013 by mamachanda

I sat outside quite a while with my baby boy, Chuckie, today.  It was so amazing with the sun and the breeze. I watched the birds.  I wonder what it’s like to be so free; no care in the world.  Living shouldn’t be so complicated as we make it sometimes.  I like my life simple and uneventful with zero drama. I like to cook. No, I LOVE to cook and feed people.  I love writing, nature, knowledge, poetry, pajamas, and sitting on my balcony sipping apple cinnamon tea.  Other than such simple things in life, and of course my family, I don’t require anything at all.  I can live without t.v.  I’ve been without a car for about a year (again!). I could even live without internet as long as I have pen and paper to journal/write. God intended our lives to be simple and enjoyable, I think. Look at all He has blessed us with. People complicate things. I’m not one of those people.

battery drained

Posted in Uncategorized on July 23, 2013 by mamachanda

I’m wiped out for this go ’round. It’s been an emotionally draining day. I feel like I got blindsided by a tornado and just tossed back to the ground after the abuse. It’s after 3:30 a.m. and I know I should have been in bed a lot sooner than this. I’m restless, though, and fought sleep. There are so many things on my mind that I don’t want to think about any of it. I asked God for major changes and He always responds. Be terribly careful what you pray for. Sometimes you may not be as prepared as you think you are for some of the replies. I’m headed to bed, to say my prayers, count as many blessings as I can before I doze off, and recharge my battery for another day in the circus of life, tomorrow. smooches.

Haunted by the Past

Posted in Uncategorized on July 21, 2013 by mamachanda

I’ll spare you the details of the bizarre way I found out. I learned today that my father is dead. Please don’t send your condolences. I’m not sad. I never knew him. He made sure of that, apparently. He could have stood next to me in a store and I never would have known. So, sad, I certainly am not. Pissed the fuck off, certainly I am.  My questions will never be answered. No one else can or should have to account for his absence. Only he could have done that. Now he’s not here to account for anything and I am left just as empty and confused as I always have been.

Why didn’t my father ever try to see me. Why didn’t he come looking for me.  Why didn’t he take accountability for being a fuckin abusive ass drunk. Why did he feel it was ok to have another family but I didn’t matter, not one fuckin bit. I wasn’t even mentioned in his obituary but his STEPchildren and his “soul mate” girlfriend were. That’s just downright fuckin ugly. Over the years I never wondered about my father. I had enough family to keep me distracted, I guess and he was irrelevant. I needed one, though; every child needs both parents.

I’m bitter at this moment. I wasn’t even acknowledged in his obituary, so I know I wasn’t important in his life. Sorry, weak ass coward. Just another dysfunctional piece of my past haunting me.

Am I Saved?

Posted in Uncategorized on June 29, 2013 by mamachanda

What does it mean to be saved?  I’m pondering this concept lately as the Lord tugs on my heart strings.  There are things in my life that, according to the Scriptures, God would not approve. Does being saved mean I have to stop these things immediately and never do them again?  For example, I do not attend church services and haven’t in quite some time.  Can you be saved and not attend church?  I’m inclined to say, no. The Ten Commandments indicate to keep the Sabbath holy.  Does that mean specific things like not laboring, making sure to do good deeds and spend quality family time, and going to church? I don’t know.  I am not well versed in Scripture enough to determine these answers right now.

I want to know the answers to the questions I have. I want to do things according to my God.  I have been searching for the way for 35 years.  I know I’m going to pray for revelation and wisdom. I’m going to continue reading Scripture and following with my concordance. I know the Lord will open my eyes to what I need.

I’m open to anyone’s answers, suggestions, interpretations, opinions, recommended scripture passages, and even if you disagree totally.  Please feel free to share your sentiments. We’re all adults here and differences of opinion are engaging as long as they are respectful. Your input is appreciated.

Can’t Sleep

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2013 by mamachanda

I’m up and it’s 2:15 a.m. I can’t sleep, as usual, because I slept from 8 till 10 unintentionally tonight. I was so sleepy. I laid on the couch and watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, my favorite shows since forever lol! I drifted off to sleep and may have stayed that way except the kids were fighting and woke me up. What’s new, right?  I spent some time on pinterest. Pretty cool stuff on there. I did a lot of decluttering and cleaning today. It felt great to be so productive. I removed 2 full garbage bags of junk and just “stuff” from the bedroom. It looks really great in there. I’ll have to take a picture and post it later. If it’s really nice tomorrow the kids and I are going to swim while the sun is out and then finish up household chores later in the day. I have my dinner defrosted for tomorrow and I hope to spend some quiet time in the kitchen. I don’t know how well that’s going to work because the kids are always in there with me. I should let them cook with me again and get more pictures for my food blog. I’m fighting the urge to sneak down to the vending machine in our laundry room right now. I’m drinking ice water but I want a soda something terrible. I think I’m going to hold out until tomorrow. Maybe I should find a favorite movie and go lay in the bed. I’m a little sleepy but I know I’m restless and I won’t fall right to sleep. Well, I’m sure I’ve bored you enough with my droning on about how I can’t sleep so I’ll close for now. I’m trying to stay in the practice of writing consistently, various reasons. It keeps my mind fresh and it also keeps me prepared for school which I’m slated to begin July 8, 2013.  I’m off. smooches. <3

Just Another Day

Posted in Uncategorized on June 26, 2013 by mamachanda

My kids want to go swimming today. It’s bright and sunny outside and the temperature is up in the 80′s.  It would be a perfect pool day.  I have so much to do in this apartment, though, because they have been going outside every day there’s nice weather. You know, the typical household chores that get piled up like laundry and dishes. I need to tidy and pick up little odd things laying around the house. The bathrooms need to be scrubbed and that’s my job. Both my little ones have asthma or I would delegate some bathroom cleaning time to them lol. I have to cook and then clean up the kitchen. Vacuuming is a must several times a day because there is rabbit hair everywhere. Gizmo is our bunny and he sheds like crazy. His cage needs cleaning and then the litter box, too, of course.  I wish there were two of me and one could take the kids outside. That’s ok, it’s just another day where stuff has to be done and my kids will understand that more as they get older. Sometimes we have to make those little sacrifices like one day of outside, in order to have a fresh, tidy place to stay. They’ve decided to make daddy some birthday cards and maybe we’ll have ice cream later. That should get me off the hook !!! 

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